


The Potato Incident

by Fizzleout



Series: Being Bad at Titles [2]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: BAMF Steve Rogers, Gen, Prank Wars, there's a tag for prank wars, way to go ao3
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-29
Updated: 2016-07-29
Packaged: 2018-07-27 10:04:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,658
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7613842
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fizzleout/pseuds/Fizzleout
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A prequel to my other avengers fic On the Run. Can be read on it's own.</p><p>There is a reason you don't prank Steve Rogers. This is it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Potato Incident

It began innocently enough, Clint was well known in SHIELD for practical jokes, it was usually a sign that he had grown comfortable with people. Two months after meeting Natasha and bringing her in he had planted a glitter bomb in her locker. A few weeks later Maria Hill had to check the vents before she sat down. Barton had taken to stalking her with a whoopee cushion.

"Seriously Barton? Are you twelve?" She asked during a meeting with the STRIKE team

"Don't knock the classics Hill!" Barton's voice echoed out of the vent.  
He'd even replaced Fury's leather duster with a replica of Michael Jacksons Thriller jacket. Fury informed the entirety of SHIELD, via intercom, that a one month pass, fully exempt from being recalled barring global catastrophe, could be had for the mere price of his coat and Barton's head. The coat was returned by Clint fifteen minutes later with a smirk.

"So I get a months leave right?"

"Wrong. You get an all expense paid trip to bumblefuck New Mexico with Coulson."

"Boo! Whatever though, Phil likes me."

"Did it sound like I was finished? For the duration of the mission, you are on gofer duty. Coffee, tea, pounding tent pegs, digging ditches, and whatever other menial tasks Coulson can dump on you. You ever try to pull a prank on me again, you will learn the hard way that I have no sense of humor." Fury said pointing menacingly at Clint's face.

So it was inevitable that Clint would prank Tony. It began simply enough, Tony was napping in the Avengers common room, when Clint snuck in and deftly drew raccoon eyes on him.

"Hey guys, what's so funny?" Tony asked curiously once he had woken up and gone in to the kitchen. Steve, Natasha and Bruce were there, trying not to laugh. 

"Nothing much Ranger Rick." Bruce, of all people, said.

"What?" Tony asked quizzically

"Oh, nothing, just you look like a trash panda." Bruce said, pointing to the stainless steel refrigerator

"What in the...JARVIS! Who has defaced this monument to human beauty!" Tony squawked looking at his reflection in the appliance.

"I believe agent Barton to be the culprit sir." the AI replied smoothly.

"He has started something he cannot finish." Tony said grimly trying to wipe the marker off his eyes.

Thus began the Great Prank War of Avengers Tower.

Tony's retaliation was moderate enough, a plate of Oreos, with the frosting scraped out, replaced with toothpaste.

"Gah! What the crap!" Clint said spitting out the offending treat. "Who would do such a thing to Oreos?" he asked forlornly.

Not to be out done Clint exacerbated the situation, taping air horns to the undersides of Tony's chairs and stools, like a supercharged whoopee cushion.  
After the third horn went off Tony was in full rage mode.

"Does this moron not realize who he's dealing with? I built weapons for the goddamn U.S. army!" Tony tiraded to a tired looking Bruce

"Well, you could both drop the situation before it really gets out of hand." Bruce quite reasonably suggested

"And let him think he's won? Never!" Tony said, storming out of the lab. Bruce sighed and returned to his work.

The following morning Clint blearily stumbled in to his bathroom, fumbled the cap off his toothpaste, squirted some on to his tooth brush and began to brush his teeth.

"Blagh! Goddamn it Tony!" he said, spitting out the mustard Stark had replaced his toothpaste with.

"Jarvis, is Stark up yet?" Clint asked

"No sir, I'm afraid mister Stark was up quite late."

"Good." Clint said grimly.

***

When Tony eventually did get up he was informed of an urgent lunch meeting with Pepper and a prospective business partner in midtown. He dressed and took the elevator down to his personal garage. As the doors opened he stepped out and looked at his collection trying to decide which to drive. It took a moment for understanding to blossom in his brain,  
All of his cars were covered in multicoloured sticky notes.

His Audi had 'Tony's Ride' written on the back window in pink sticky notes.

"Goddamn it, I do not have time for this. JARVIS, have one of the company cars brought around."

"I'm sorry sir, but all of the company cars are spoken for at the moment." JARVIS said apologetically.

"Fine." Tony growled walking to his Audi and tearing off a sticky note. Or trying to

"Did that son of a bitch super glue these to my cars?!" Tony asked

"Quite, sir." JARVIS replied.

Muttering obscenities, Tony pulled out the high pressure hose and tried to clean off the notes, it took roughly ten minutes to clear a section of the windshield large enough to drive with.

"Screw it I'm already late." Tony said climbing in to the car and speeding off. By some miracle it only took him fifteen minutes to reach the restaurant he was supposed to meet Pepper at.

"Hi, meeting Pepper Potts for a lunch meeting." He said shortly to the Maitre'd

"I'm sorry Mr. Stark, but Ms. Potts hasn't made a reservation with us for today." the obviously nervous Maitre'd said

"Ooo, Barton you are a dead man."

The following morning Clint woke up to a visitor in his room. A full grown Jersey cow.

"What the hell, JARVIS, did Tony...?"

"I'm afraid so sir." JARVIS replied

"Aw, it crapped on my floor!"

*** 

Things had clearly come to a head, Clint and Tony met in the Avengers common room

"Dammit Stark, what kind of asshole uses a defenseless farm animal in a prank!"

"What kind of asshole super glues sticky notes to someone else's cars?" Tony shot back

"You have no idea how bad this can get for you Stark."

"Bring it on featherhead, you're talking to on of the few private individuals in the world who can have you launched into space!"

"That's enough! You've both been acting like a couple of dumb kids. The pranking ends now. Either of you prank each other again and I swear I'll put you over my damn knee!" Steve shouted, coming between the two. Clint and Tony looked at each other sideways for a moment, then shook hands.

"That's better." Steve said turning away.

"So we're pranking Cap now right?" Clint asked

"Oh you bet your ass we are." Tony replied.

***

Steve's entrance into the Avengers Prank War was reminiscent of Americas entrance into World War II.

A day which shall live in infamy.

It began early, Steve had been using the internet to catch up on things, he turned on his computer and tried using the mouse, nothing happened, when he turned it over to see what the problem was, he saw a little drawing of an obnoxious smiling face had been taped over the laser.

"Children." He sighed, tearing it off. When he logged on to the internet he saw his homepage had been set to... well, he didn't wanna discuss it, but it was highly inappropriate.  
Steve stormed out of his apartment heading for the main floor to give the two nitwits a piece of his mind. 

When the doors of the elevator opened he was assaulted. Silly string from multiple launchers, Steve flung his arms up to defend himself, hitting the door close button, but not before Clint had tossed in a can of air freshener with a zip tie tied around it's spout, forcing out a steady stream of what seemed to be shrimp scent. 

"Take that you potato eating Irishman!" Clint said as the doors closed. "Potato eating Irishman, that's a modern classic!" Tony said high fiving Clint.

Steve stomped on the nozzle, tearing the spout away from the can.

"This is fine." he said calmly picking silly string off himself. "I'm fine with the way things are progressing." as he headed back down to his floor to take a shower.

Steve stepped in to his shower and turned it on, picking up his soap and trying to lather himself with it, to no avail.

"What the, JARVIS do you know what's wrong with the soap?" He asked

"I'm sorry to say Mr. Stark and agent Barton have applied a clear acrylic nail polish to it sir."

"Fine. That's fine." he said calmly. The rest of the day passed in similar style. The gym full of red, white, and blue balloons, his shield left out on the balcony covered in wet cotton balls which would not come off without a great deal of effort. And lastly the cake on the kitchen counter. Steve had taken one look at it and turned away to read the newspaper, knowing that the two idiots had tampered with it.

"Ooh, cake!" Darcy said grabbing a knife.

"I wouldn't..." Steve tried to warn her, but it was too late, she cut through the icing with a loud pop.

"Did some asshole cover a balloon with icing?!" Darcy asked 

"That just about goddamn tears it." Steve said slamming his paper down on the counter. "Miss Lewis, I apologize for this. Those two idiots need a lesson in manners, and I'm, by God, gonna give it to them." Steve said as he stormed out of the room.

"Whatever they get they deserve, who turns cake into a trap?" Darcy asked.

***

For days nothing happened. No retaliation of any kind. Tony and Clint felt kind of bad about Darcy getting caught up in one of their pranks, but they were planning something anyways. But Steve, despite his promises, had not retaliated.

"He's gotta be thinking of something right?" Clint asked Tony one night over their plotting

"Probably, but, please, guy from the forties, what's he gonna do? Ruin the sock hop? JARVIS, I had an epoxy here, were did it go?"

"I'm sorry sir, but you left your epoxy in Dr. Banners laboratory." his AI replied.

"No biggie." Tony said

***

The following morning Clint woke up having to use the bathroom. Urgently. 

He stumbled in to his bathroom and lifted the toilet seat. To his horror, the seat had been lined with thumbtacks. All the way around, Clint tried to pull them off, but they had been glued on or...

"Son of a bitch stole Tony's epoxy." Clint said, realization dawning. Undeterred he climbed up to the vent in his bathroom, opening it he lifted himself, until he saw. 

The vent had also been lined with thumbtacks.

"Goddammit Rogers, low blow." Clint said, dropping back down. He quickly crossed his apartment and threw open the door, hurrying into the hallway.  
Or he would have had there not been a few layers of saran wrap coving the door.

Clint bounced off cursing, then grabbed a knife from his kitchen and cut his way out, when he saw across the hall, a picture of Steve, two fingers pointing to his own eyes, Clint's face curled into disbelief, but he hurried down the hall to Nat's apartment, where another picture of Cap was taped up, this time of him pointing directly into the camera. Using his code to get inside, he threw the door open and rushed to her bathroom.

Or he would have, if not for another layer of saran wrap.

"Goddammit, this is not OK." Clint said. Finally relieving himself Clint immediately afterwards contacted Tony.

"Stark, Rogers has initiated a counteroffensive, code red, code fucking red!" Clint hissed, looking both ways before tiptoeing down the hall.

"You ain't kidding Legolas, get down to my lab pronto." Stark replied, Clint ninjaed his way down to Tony's lab, were the billionaire was sitting on one of his benches with his hands clasped together.

"We've got to retaliate Stark, that rotten prick thumb tacked my toilet!"

"Yeah, uh I have bigger problems."

"Why are you holding your hands like that?" Clint asked in confusion

"Well, it seems our dear Captain Rogers really is the tactical genius we thought he was."

"Huh?"

"He replaced my Purell with superglue." Tony replied calmly

"That magnificent bastard." Clint said in awe.

"Quite, and he's put the solvent somewhere I can't get it."

"Where?"

"At the far end of the shooting range."

"And you can't get it why?" Clint asked

"He may have also epoxied my ass to this stool. Which he bolted to the floor."

"Magnificent bastard."

"Go get the solvent and we'll figure out a counter attack." Tony said, motioning to the door.

"Right." Clint said as he left for the shooting range, his home turf, he was still wary though. He gingerly tapped the entrance code in to the door, and, moving with all his training, scouted the area thoroughly before making his way to the end of the range. He picked up the solvent and turned around.

There was Steve. And Natasha. And Bruce, Thor, Jane and Darcy. All holding potato guns.

"Potato eating Irishman, I believe it was?" Steve asked mildly.

"Now, let's not be hasty Cap, those things hurt like a bastard..." Clint stammered out,

"Clint, I'd never prank someone in such a way as to really hurt them. These are loaded with some particularly ripe potatoes." Steve said

"Thumbtacks on my toilet! And in my vents!" Clint replied

"Well, I knew you always look before you sit, old prankers habit I suppose. And the vents are not safe for your weight. It's a public service. Firing line!" He raised his voice, "Ready, aim, fire!" Steve ordered, and the air was filled with chunks of rotten potato.

Time seemed to slow for Clint, he was running, trying to dodge the foul smelling tubers, but with so many in the air, and Steve and Natasha's not inconsiderable marksmanship, there was no escape. Potato after potato splattered against him as he bolted for the door. 

Clint staggered into the hallway and bolted for the elevator. Gagging at the smell, he lurched out into Stark's workshop.

Stark was still on his stool, laughing so hard tears were streaming down his face, watching the monitor.

"Solvent...here...now." Clint gritted out, spraying some on to Tony's hands, 

"We underestimated him." Tony said prying his hands apart.

"Well, you won't make that mistake again." Steve said from the elevator.

"You...you...you..."Clint said, shaking a finger at him.

"Me, me, me. Tony, why don't you finish your diagnostics on the suit." Steve said mildly.

"What did you do to my suit?" Tony asked in horror.

"Nothing. Just using it for storage." Steve replied with a smirk. Tony gaped at him and turned back to his suit.

"JARVIS, open the mark 45." he said brokenly.

The AI complied, and dozens upon dozens of rotten potatoes fell out from the suit.

"Now, gentlemen. I'm gonna say this once. There will be no. More. Pranking. Are we agreed?" The two nodded numbly and Steve left the room.

Making his way to the common room, the others were waiting for him.

"Damn Cap! I knew you did some stuff during the war, but this is just, like evil!" Darcy said

"It needed to be done." Steve replied

"Indeed, a swift devastating strike to demoralize an enemy!" Thor agreed.

"Military tactics 101, there's no kill like overkill."

"What I don't understand is how you managed to get in and out of Tony's lab without him knowing, or how you got in to the suit." Jane said.

"Simple, I asked JARVIS nicely. And Bruce had had enough of the pranks. He distracted Tony for me." Steve replied.

"Props to you Cap, you know how to run a mission." Darcy said taking one of the powdered donuts off of a plate on the counter

"I wouldn't." Cap said warningly.

"What did you do?" Darcy asked suspiciously

"Sugar comes off easy enough. And baby powder sticks just about the same way. The real trick was getting the jelly out and putting the mayonnaise in."

"Jesus, Cap, you're not planning on overthrowing the government or anything, are you?" Jane asked

"Not if they smarten up, no."


End file.
